Christine's New Man
by The Lady Osipria
Summary: Gerik is concerned. Christine hasn't come to the lair in a while. He takes it upon himself to find out why. Complete parody piece.


Phantom parody

Gerik was sitting alone in his scary lair sobbing loudly. He never knew this day would come and he silently kept begging it was a terrible nightmare. He guessed it was his own fault with all the gloating he'd done over the years but why now?

Christine used to come hang at his crib all the time, ditching her prissy husband because he was hotter but now she didn't show up. It was terrible. His only form of comfort now was Ayesha, Lerik's cat. She had become fed up with his morphine induced comas in which she would go without food for days. The thing that pushed her over the limit was possibly the terrible games he would make her play which involved her wearing a miniature blonde wig and a little white dress.

Gerik had waited two whole days before becoming worried about his Christine's health and he finally went to the dreaded De Chagny manor. Looking in the window concealed on the balcony, he saw Christine throw numerous objects including a hairbrush, a glass, vase of flowers, a chair, a puppy and various other cute fluffy animals in range at her cowering husband. "Darling please, what have I done wrong?" Raoul said tentatively. With that question came another expensive looking vase, which clonked him on the top of the head. Christine shouted her response like an irritated child would, "Why do you have to be such a prissy little bitch Raoul? When I married you I thought it was just a phase you were going through but no here we are 6 years later and you still sit there for hours on end preening in the mirror ogling your own reflection!"

Raoul whimpered and walked towards her, still cowering with his hands out stretched. "Honey-fluff I'm sorry it's not my fault. I'm just so beautiful and stylish it's easy for me to be distracted." Another glass came hurtling past his head smashing in to the wall. He winced. "Raoul that's another thing. The goddamn ridiculous nicknames! At least Erik called me Angel of Music, I mean hello much cooler! Anyway speaking of Erik I've decided I've had enough I'm going to live with him. He is so much more manly!" And with that Christine grabbed the bag sitting on her bed and as she walked out the room she punched Raoul in the face leaving him sobbing on the ground like a little girl. A few things occurred to Gerik at once. 1. He had no idea how insanely violent Christine could get and 2. She was going to come live with him! He grinned like a child in a candy store and rushed back home to his bat-cave lair.

He sat there for 20 minutes excitedly before deciding to clean up a bit before she got there. He swept under his organ…. (His PIPE organ perverts :P) and brushed Ayesha's fur and put a pretty bow in her hair, which she was not, pleased with. He once again sat down giddily awaiting Christine's arrival. Hours upon hours passed and Gerik frowned. There was no way she would go to any of the other phantoms because he was the hottest! Not to mention most of them were a bit more insane than him, addicted to morphine and one had a strange relationship with rats.

Gerik sulked for a good fifteen minutes before he stood and walked out his lair into the adjoining lair on his right. He looked around with no luck. He would have asked Lerik for help but he was busy in his morphine-induced stupor currently cackling at a dripping hole in the cavern roof. He shook his head and walked out and opened the door to a different lair. As soon as he stepped through a voice rang out, "_YOU HAVE COME HERE IN PURSUIT OF YOUR-"_ And with that Gerik stepped back out again. "Goddamn it!" he muttered, "Every time I walk in there." Merik was becoming increasingly clingy to anyone who unfortunately waltzed into his lair.

Walking into another lair he was struck into silence by the sight that was before him. Freddy Krueger Erik turned around looking completely innocent. "WHAT THE HELL? We've told you time and time again to stop this! It's gross and scary!" In front of Gerik was the sight of the afore mentioned Erik in the process of skinning the face off of an unfortunate prostitute. "No matter how much skin you sow to your face it isn't going to make you hot like me," Gerik said condescendingly. Frerik stood up and was about to say something when Gerik looked closely at his figure, "What is that? And more importantly what is THAT?" Frerik had on a strange green and red sweater but the strangest was the glove he wore on his hand that had knives as fingers. Frerik looked at Gerik innocently whilst hiding the glove behind his back, "Nothing…you see nothing now leave my lair MWAUHAHAHA!" Gerik's face deadpanned as he rolled his eyes and walked out.

He held his head in his hands and sighed. That was last place he could think of to look. All the other Erik's had gone with the mob that were going to kill Andrew Lloyd Webber for Love Never Dies. He had not bothered because he was content with having Christine and Lerik and Merik were too emotionally insane and/or drugged to care. His face lit up with the idea. Maybe Christine had gone with the mob.

Gerik arrived at Andrew Lloyd Webber's house and was amazed at the scene before him. Apart from the obvious numerous Eriks there were quite a few more people he recognised too. He was not surprised to see the Meg Girys after all Webber had butchered her character, transforming her from a sweet innocent ballet dancer into a murderous prostitute whore. The group of Meg's sat sharpening swords against a lamppost. The next group he saw was another unsurprising thing. The Raouls. They were all very non-plussed at being turned into abusive drunks but apparently they had forgotten their task of murder because they were busy posing and complimenting each other's hair and comparing hair-tossing skills. He saw Carlottas who were ridiculously complaining about the fact that they were not in it even though they were not relevant to the plot although really did it really have a plot in the first place?

He finally saw the Christines but could not see _his_ Christine. He walked calmly up to the group and smiled. He expected the usual swoon but he got blank stares. "Hello ladies would you happen to know where Christine is?" They all looked at him like he had three heads. "What? What's wrong? Did my mask fall off?" Then he realised his stupidity. "Ohhhh right…sorry I meant Emmy Rossum Christine." Their faces showed recognition immediately. A few screwed up their noses. "Oh yeah she's over at Coney Island. Her and Sierra Boggess Christine have really hit it off. Movie version Meg finds it too painful to go there because Love Never Dies Meg is such a skank." Said Sarah Brightman Christine. Gerik thanked the Christines before going to the little boat crew that hung around by the docks.

After paying them generously they carried him over the sea to Coney Island. He shivered with disgust at sounds of the Carnival. He found his way to Phantasma where he saw a young woman sitting outside looking quite angry. He walked up to her. She looked up at him with interest. "Hello may I help you?" She said kindly. He was surprised at her sudden change in demeanour. "Yes I'm looking for Emmy Rossum Christine. Have you seen her by any chance?" At the mention of his Christine the woman became angry again. "She's in there. It's not fair! I left my abusive husband for him and now this happens. I'm his Christine!" Ah this must be Sierra Boggess Christine. He thanked her and rushed inside Phantasma.

He stood horrified at the sight before him. There was his Christine in the arms of another man! They were gazing into each other's eyes like _they_ used to. "Christine…why?" He gasped out. The man turned and he frowned. The man wore a mask too. "Who are you?" He spat at the man. He pulled Christine closer and grinned as he answered, "I'm Ramin Karimloo Erik from Love Never Dies." Gerik was murderously angry. "Christine what are you doing here with him? I thought you loved me?" He saw Christine sigh and she came up to him. "Erik I'm sorry you didn't do anything wrong it's just…" She broke off and she seemed reluctant to finish her sentence. "Christine what? What is it?" he said coaxing her to continue. "Well it's just your not the hottest Erik anymore and really you were starting to act like Raoul gloating over your appearance all the time."

His world ended that minute. No wonder the Christines were so indifferent to him. This new Erik was hotter… After several hours of sobbing on the ground at their feet he reluctantly left feeling utterly depressed.

Now here he sat alone with Ayesha in his lair depressed beyond words. "Oh well, Ayesha, at least I still have you," He said smiling charmingly at the cat. Ayesha stood and hissed at him before scampering away towards one of the other lairs. Gerik's face was blank for a moment before he stood with a harrumph and stamped his foot childishly, "I WANTED TO BE THE HOT ONE!"

A/N: Hey please any Gerik phans don't hate I like him too. It's simply a parody I though of after watching the new DVD of the 25th anniversary POTO. I also have a love/hate relationship with Love Never Dies. I love the music and aspects of the storyline however Meg killing Christine I find too OOC and completely unbelievable. This is also my first ever parody so please be kind. I hope it was good and funny. Please review.


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